L'appel du vide.

“I couldn’t help but think about school and everything else ending. I liked standing just outside the couches and watching them - it was a kind of sad I didn’t mind, and so I just listened, letting all the happiness and the sadness of this ending swirl around in me, each sharpening the other. For the longest time, it felt kind of like my chest was cracking open, but not precisely in an unpleasant way.” - John Green (Paper Towns)

Gotta love John Green. Mmm..

“Color aside (Which is quite honestly irrelevant), your eyes say more than you’re probably aware of. It’s difficult to appreciate because you squint s much, but you have very expressive eyes. But, in the exception of what seems to be rare cases, they don’t express what you say or do. You’re a goofy person on the surface, and I don’t mean to pry, but in taking just a few good looks at you and having a few meaningful conversations with you, your goofiness is a wall. A barrier you put up to keep other things out of sight. And you do a mighty fine job of this, except in your eyes. They’re brimming with pent up feeling, traces of pain held inside, and more than anything, they search. No matter what your mouth says or your actions show, your eyes are always looking for something. (Not literally of course) Not just looking though, grasping at some truth you know exists but can’t find…”

                This is, hands down, my favorite description of any aspect of me that anyone has ever stated. And I really do resonate with it too… The searching part especially. I always get that feeling. I really wish I knew what for, but I guess that question really isn’t something that could be put into words. We started talking about sanity, and using the analogy of strings. I brought it up first because I love the analogy… I feel like it’s what fits me. Because I’ve always felt that. That my hold on everything real in the world is precarious, and one day whatever that factor is that keeps me grounded, will just disappear, and I’ll float off like a balloon with its string cut. And I’ve never quite known if I’m afraid of that or not. I feel like one day, I’ll just walk away from it all. Literally just pick a direction or a destination and just leave. I feel compelled to. Like there’s something out there that I need to search for. I don’t know where or even what it is, but I feel like I need to find it. Like a word that’s just at the tip of your tongue, it scratches at you in the back of your mind. Back on topic, after talking for a while and thinking and looking at myself… I think that string was cut. I think that somewhere along the way I finally let go of it. And I know the answer now, I rather like the string being cut. Like there’s nothing holding me here anymore.  And after thinking, insane isn’t quote the right word for it, because it’s not clinical or anything. Not even out of your mind. In fact, it’s the opposite. It’s like you’re lost in your own head. Down the rabbit hole, so to speak lolz. And I have no idea how to explain it. Because for the last few months now, it’s like a sense of being detached from everyone and everything on a superficial level, but deeply connected on some invisible level… God it’s hard to explain. I feel incredibly different from everyone else. But at the same time… Alright well, this one is weird, but I’ll say it anyways. Sometimes, I’ll randomly catch myself thinking, “I love *insert person name here.*” Not for any particular reason, just because I feel like they’re family. I feel close to them in that moment, in a way that I can’t explain. I think it’s all connected to my lack of getting upset very often either. I mean, I still have down moods, but they’re becoming more along the lines of passive and introspective than sad really. I think in the last month, I’ve actually been sad in the traditional sense all of once. Beyond that, I find that I can’t help but be happy, for the oddest of reasons sometimes. The little things just stack by the end of the day you know? Chris brought peanut butter panda puffs to choir, and it just made me laugh. My day was just better. I didn’t even eat any, but the name just tickled me, I have to say. And I always keep track of little things like that now, no matter what else happens. And all of a sudden, not much else matters but the beauty I find in-between the lines… I’m odd. But I really enjoy that. I’m happy. Mmm… Ho hum ho hum.

Heh, it’s been a damn good time. I think this is the most fun I’ve ever had testing xD Mmm… It’s a good life. A beautiful one.